Disney Princess Shit

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It is the first Monday of the new year, the first Monday back to real life after a long exhaustive Christmas break, It’s the hardest Monday (other than the day after the clocks spring forward) to get out of bed and do some adulting.

It started off well enough. I turned off my alarm and only overslept by thirty minutes which is just enough to feel good but not enough to make us late. The boys got up promptly when I woke them and did a wonderful job of going through our typical school day routine with little fuss. They got to school on time in what would be the coldest day of winter by far, I gave myself a little pat on the back, We did it!

Pulling into the driveway, I heard a little pop. Not huge, maybe a plastic bottle or something I ran over? A short time later the baby and I got in the car to go somewhere, when I heard it… buhbump, buhbump, buhbump. Hmm, maybe I have a flat tire? Pull over, get out, check. Nothing. Get back in and keep driving. Buhbump…. Something is definitely wrong. I pull over again but only this time the wheel is positioned in a way in which I can see it. A giant screw and hunk of metal stuck in the treads. Damn! Back to the house we go.

tire

I am very lucky to have some incredible mom friends who are willing and able to help out in such emergencies and one of them whose daughter is in the same class as my son was able to pick him up and bring him home for me.

That’s when it happened…

They pulled up and I walked outside. I left the door open like I always do. There were four squirrels having what I can only imagine as a four way or some crazy squirrel orgy on the wheels of my car and as I walked past, two took off towards the water, one zipped right through my neighbors front yard and the fourth, went right into my house and UP. THE. STAIRS.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and once I accepted the truth that there was now a squirrel INSIDE my house, I quickly remembered the baby and the puppy also inside my house. I couldn’t just let it have the house while we moved on… I ran up the stairs and scared the squirrel who ran up to the vacant third floor.

I quickly grabbed the puppy and my two boys, put their coats on and rushed them out into my friends car while I turned around to head back in and face the squirrel mono e mono.

I peeked around the corner to the upstairs and there he was, sitting on the gate. I’m no Disney Princess I shouted at him but if I unknowingly was then he needed to start doing the dishes or get the fuck out!

squirrel

Since my broom was nowhere to be found, I brilliantly grabbed pecans and decided to try to lure him back out with a trail. Apparently scared squirrels (if not all squirrels) are a bit spastic and I was really overthinking this, because I laid the trail out to the backdoor which I propped open. I told the squirrel I had nuts for him. I even threw him a few on the stairs to get his attention to my fool proof plan. He got spooked and tore up the bathroom.

I stepped back and waited, quietly. I knew he wanted out as badly as I wanted him out. He came down but only to throw himself at the window. The shades were open clearly exposing his freedom, only this trickery that which blocked him he could not understand. He climbed my curtains and threw himself at each closed window over and over again. I came close to try to open the middle one in order for him to exit, only my husband had put in a screw due to that time we found the kids chilling in the sill with the window wide open with no screen or safety bars to even slow a fall let alone stop one.

The window was a no go for launch. He continued throwing himself at it while I continued to panic. I tried to tell him to calm down and listen, that the back door was wide open, if he would just pay attention. It was a lot like dealing with my three boys on a daily basis. I tried to calm him and myself down enough for him to gather his senses and when that didn’t work I began jumping and yelling and trying to push him to make a run in the other direction that was out and not up.

It finally worked and he bolted through the backdoor so fast I was almost unsure he was gone. I did a full check before retrieving the kids and dog. Now that the squirrel was out and the kids were back in it was time to either bleach everything or burn it down. My house has never been cleaner.

And here I thought praying mantises were bad…

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I am a food allergy mama of 4 boys, a former fashion designer, and a master of the five point palm exploding heart technique, keeping it Fantastico.

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